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Saturday, August 30, 2008

Be Mine...



let the sun shine
let the rivers run away coz its a beautiful day now to play now..

Francis Magalona's song played in the car stereo this afternoon. My husband had been playing old songs by Francis (Sandwich's betamax alternates once in a while).

would you be, could you be, be mine..

"Girl Be Mine: I think it was probably 1998 or 1999, UP Diliman, hanging out with Jazzie and Allen on the second floor lobby of AS, busy with my bf back then, if I had one. I love the song but it didn't leave too much of a mark.", I said, which also opened a topic on ex-love life that went on for the next few minutes.

When my husband and I listen to old songs, we recall what we were doing with our own lives at that particular time that the song was a hit. We'd mostly talk about childhood, family, friends, highschool days which we shared since we were highschool batchmates; Or college days, ex crushes, or ex girlfriends and boyfriends, or ex-almost-boyfriends and ex-almost-girlfriends.
My husband and I talk about everything. One time we stayed up until 3 in the morning, just talking. We've been married almost six years now and we've probably heard and told every story there is to hear from and tell each other, but we still say the same stories again, over and over. And each time he tells me his stories of childhood, friendships, adventures, its always so special. It's like he's making me a part of those memories when I was not in his life yet.

I remember my good friend Allen who, when we were still in college, said "gusto ko ng asawa kase gusto ko ng kakwentuhan sa araw araw". We were 18 yrs old when she said that. But now I realize that she had accurately put into words what I have right now. Very simply, may kakwentuhan ako sa araw araw. I have another person who is a witness to me, who shares the story of my life..past, present, and future. That is what I have and so much more. With me is a person whom, after all these years, still looks at me as if I hadn't gained ten pounds since I've given birth. Who never complained that I never made the bed in the morning. Who always gave me the first, the middle, and the last bite. Who has always made me feel that I and Tara always come first above everything and everyone else.

"If I hadn't married you what do you think would I be doing?", our conversation led me to asking him. He was driving along Fairview, on our way home from a day at the mall. Tara slept on the backseat, with a pink catterpillar-shaped balloon on her arms.

"Eh di the same thing, you'd also be married by now, to a different person, you wouldn't know who", he said.

And I immediately thought to myself..but surely I wouldn't be this happy.

Francis M's song continued to play in the car..

let the wind blow
let the wind touch my face
I wanna take a little break now
shake now
this is what I have to say
I feel so fine
so fine that it blows my mind
tell the truth
when will you be mine

And this time the song made a mark: August 2008, rainy afternoon, passenger seat of his mitsubishi lancer, in love with Jose De Guzman Jr.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Dear Karen,

You should be turning 28 on Sunday. Can I still say Happy Birthday? I bet everyday is like birthday in heaven. Are you still 28 in eternity? So how old are you now in heaven-years?

I'll be visiting your grave again on Sunday for your birthday. I'll be there along with your Daddy and Mommy, and the rest of your family of course. I don't know yet about your friends, but they won't be forgetting your birthday that's for sure.

Do you remember your last birthday? Sabi mo, bibili ka ng cake. i asked you why, "bibilan ko ng cake sarili ko. Bakit ba eh birthday ko." you even took a photo of your cake and posted it in your multiply site.

I had a really funny story that happened to Joel and me last week. It was funny and somehow private and I wished to share the story with someone else. But then I only had you to share stories like that with. I'm getting used to not having you around, but sometimes I really still miss you a lot. Sometimes I freeze for a few moments, when you pop in my mind. I remember you, your laughter, the sound of your voice. I remember the happy moments, and the extremely difficult ones. I remember them all. But as time pass I seem to go farther and farther away from feeling you. You know what I mean ..feeling you? That feeling when I'd hear the sound of your footsteps as you walk up the stairs on Saturday afternoons..and I'd know that you've arrived for our regular coffee routine. The feeling of having you laying on our bed as you exchange stories with Tara, or chatting with me as I cook dinner, while you keep going in and out of the house to smoke. I have lost that feeling Karen. And at times when I dream about you, I am brought back to how it feels to have you with me, to have you alive. In my dreams it always feels so real, so true that when I wake up,, for a moment or two I feel the harsh realization again that I can never be with you in this lifetime. I seem to be getting used to that thought. Not that it does not affect me anymore, I am just forced to accept that this is the reality I have to deal with. I am thankful for those dreams though because I get to experience you, even for those fleeting moments. And Karen, I sometimes pray that I don't forget you. I worry that I will get so used to not having you, that in time I will forget you. A lot of your friends say that they won't forget you, that they will always remember you, etc. But seriously, I worry that one day I'll check your friendster and multiply accounts only to find out that nobody viewed them anymore. It's going to happen. I do not want to forget you, but like what I said..as I heal from the hurting, I go farther away from the feeling of you. Which worries me because I feel like all the more you are vanishing. When i do not hurt about your death anymore, when I've gotten so used to not having you around, then you have really gone. And I worry about that. Maybe that's why I document it here. I write it down so I have a way of going back when my fears of forgetting you are realized. Karen I am not helping myself, right?

This letter is crazy because you will not read it. And though I could do this every night and pretend that you are just in a different country and i can send emails to you, I am only fooling myself. It's insane. It's just insane. If you were alive you'd think I'm pathetic. But since you're dead..then that makes me really pathetic. I promise i will not write to you again.

I'll just visit your grave and bring you flowers.