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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Half empty

It used to be half full. Now it is half empty. It was a sudden change in perspective. It was because of everything I've been through this past year.I had thought I was made of "thicker fiber". I am disappointed at myself that I have not picked myself up yet. It just has been personally challenging the past year or so. Last year was marked by my search to find goals or passions in life. And just when everything seemed to be falling into place, Karen said goodbye. And I felt like I have been emotionally just stuck there, in that sadness. I don't want to go downhill. I don't even want to think that I'm going that way. It's just really so difficult.

I used to think that I have a VIP life. That the "universe conspires" to make me happy. That Life is beautiful and prayers are always answered. I may be having a test of faith and I could be failing... I don't know.


I bare myself in this post. I bare my feelings to those who read this...

To my friends who care a lot about me and want to know how I am coping......I know that i will get over this. This is just a phase.

To my family and Karen's friends who share the same loss...I feel easier when I talk about my feelings. I am able to deal with it more. You all know I did not cry that much. I guess this is my therapy. We all try to cope in our own ways.

To those who have stumbled upon this blog and are able to relate to it because of their own experiences.....you probably understand me well and those who have left comments in the past have assured me that I too, will be fine in time.

To acquaintances who really do not know me that much but are curious as to what I'd have to say.....these are the challenges I face. I have heartaches too just like everyone else.


Thanks for reading.




Wednesday, June 11, 2008

two months after

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I felt like there was nothing to say that I have not said yet. Nothing to write that I have not written about. I felt like I have been stuck in time, unfortunately, in a not-so-happy-time of my life.

Two months have passed since she's been gone. I've visited her grave in Loyola. I've tried to keep myself busy doing chores, working hard in the office, surfing about things I really never cared about , such as migrating to a far away land called Canada. There is nothing that would make me stay here anymore. My family is in the US, Karen is in heaven. I should be packing my things now.

I cannot even write anything for my other blog. I love motherhood and I used to love writing about my experiences. But I have been a guilty mom for quite a while. Tara's been saying that I am on the "KJ side" because I did not want to play crazy things with her. I once told her that I had the world sitting on my shoulders. She said, "Where is it? I can't see it"

And I have not been taking care of myself either. When was the last time I bought anything for myself? It probably was the black shirt I got myself in January. I had bought it with the intention of asking Karen to pay me for the shirt because she had not bought me anything for Christmas. That's how we exchange presents at Christmas. We shop separately for ourselves, then we bill each other for what we bought. I wore the black shirt on her funeral.

I was at the mall just earlier and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked so sad. My husband saw me as I was looking at my reflection, he smiled at me. And I thought he was just so wonderful. He always has been. Since I lost my best friend he has tried his best to fill up the vacancy. He'd offer to go to Starbucks with me, and I refused each time he asked. He'd go to the mall with me and to every shop I fancied, without complaining or getting impatient. He would ask if I liked anything and I'd say no.

I asked my husband just earlier, what was his favorite word. He said "Meron ba nun?". he probably thought it was a quiz, like he was supposed to answer..um .."you".

I said, "Yes some people have favorite words".

"So what's yours?", he asked.

"Madami...like moonbeams and sunshine", I answered.

"Ano pa?", he asked.

I didn't answer.

"kala ko ba madami."..he said.

I could not answer anymore because I felt like I would cry again. I wanted to say..hope.