two months after

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I felt like there was nothing to say that I have not said yet. Nothing to write that I have not written about. I felt like I have been stuck in time, unfortunately, in a not-so-happy-time of my life.

Two months have passed since she's been gone. I've visited her grave in Loyola. I've tried to keep myself busy doing chores, working hard in the office, surfing about things I really never cared about , such as migrating to a far away land called Canada. There is nothing that would make me stay here anymore. My family is in the US, Karen is in heaven. I should be packing my things now.

I cannot even write anything for my other blog. I love motherhood and I used to love writing about my experiences. But I have been a guilty mom for quite a while. Tara's been saying that I am on the "KJ side" because I did not want to play crazy things with her. I once told her that I had the world sitting on my shoulders. She said, "Where is it? I can't see it"

And I have not been taking care of myself either. When was the last time I bought anything for myself? It probably was the black shirt I got myself in January. I had bought it with the intention of asking Karen to pay me for the shirt because she had not bought me anything for Christmas. That's how we exchange presents at Christmas. We shop separately for ourselves, then we bill each other for what we bought. I wore the black shirt on her funeral.

I was at the mall just earlier and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked so sad. My husband saw me as I was looking at my reflection, he smiled at me. And I thought he was just so wonderful. He always has been. Since I lost my best friend he has tried his best to fill up the vacancy. He'd offer to go to Starbucks with me, and I refused each time he asked. He'd go to the mall with me and to every shop I fancied, without complaining or getting impatient. He would ask if I liked anything and I'd say no.

I asked my husband just earlier, what was his favorite word. He said "Meron ba nun?". he probably thought it was a quiz, like he was supposed to answer..um .."you".

I said, "Yes some people have favorite words".

"So what's yours?", he asked.

"Madami...like moonbeams and sunshine", I answered.

"Ano pa?", he asked.

I didn't answer.

"kala ko ba madami."..he said.

I could not answer anymore because I felt like I would cry again. I wanted to say..hope.