on the fourth funeral

I'm at a funeral again (Yes, they have WiFi). The fourth one I've been to in a month's time. How crazy is that?! The first was Karen's, then that of my cousin's dad in law, then of our tenant's son, now the funeral of my hubby's uncle.

My visits to funerals have been so frequent that I've developed an eye for good quality coffins! I can now also give you a rough estimate of how much it will cost to have a decent funeral. 70,000Php for coffin and funeral service; cemetery lot is around 50,000Php; service to dig up the grave is another 20,000Php; if you choose to have the body cremated it would be around 20,000Php with urn; If you want the ashes deposited in a church, a slot may range from 50,000 to 25,000 pesos.

What is my realization after these funerals? Many, of course. About life and death, faith and family. But let me tell you just one very practical thing I learned. It is an extremely difficult task to arrange for funeral service while in the state of shock and grief over a loved one's death.


So go get yourself and your loved ones a memorial plan. Or just get one for yourself but choose one that is transferable. I sound like an insurance agent. But really, getting one is a wise thing to do.

I saw her in my dreams.

At night time, my daughter and I would say our prayers. And right before we'd sleep we'd say "Lord, make us dream of Ninang Karen tonight. please tell us how she's doing in heaven". And then we'd ask each other the next morning if we saw her in our dreams. Tara didn't dream of her yet.

I finally dreamed of her the other night.

In my dream, my husband died and I was looking for him. Then I saw Karen standing by the gate of our Lolo's old house in San Juan. She was very pretty as she usually was. I asked her, "Diba patay ka na Karen?". She laughed at me. I held her face in my hands and then I held her arms. I do not remember what she said in my dream, but I remember clearly that she was laughing, she was laughing at my questions and my reaction to her. It felt like a long a dream, like we talked about many things, but you know how dreams are..you really don't remember everything when you wake up. I remember her saying "maging mabait ka kung gusto mong magkita tayo sa langit"..in her usual matter-of-fact tone. She also said that Joel is alive and I better look for him. To which I replied, "Then this must be a dream and since this is a dream, it's going to end soon. So give me a hug now." She laughed again. and gave me a big, long hug. She then showed me her arm, where something was written in what seemed like eyeliner (weird!). There were some words that I cannot remember. The last phrase though is still vivid in my mind..."We will meet again."

The dream felt so real..she was so alive! When i woke up, for a few seconds there i thought that Karen was actually alive. Then the realization that she is dead hit me. It hit me so hard I broke down in tears. As time passes by I begin to adjust more and more to my life without her. And though I will never forget all the memories of her, I begin to go forget how it actually felt to have her around, to talk to her and see her laugh. The dream seemed to have brought me back to that feeling, how it felt months ago when she was alive and strong and happy.

I never believed that dreams mean anything real or significant. But this dream is different. Because this is something that I choose to believe. There would be no other way for Karen to give me a hug now..only in my dreams. And if this is what God is giving me to help me answer my questions, or if this is a mother's day gift for me, because there is nothing I would like more than one conversation and one hug from Karen, then Thank you Lord! Thank you for giving me what I need.

On last Sunday

I went to church last Sunday and I cried.

Each time the priest spoke of forever and ever, and life everlasting..my tears fell down one after the other.

I took the holy communion and would have broken down if not for my conscious effort to be aware of the people around me.

It was a struggle to get a hold of myself. I was like a sobbing child who came home to her dad to tell him she was hurt. I needed to be comforted so badly. And I was comforted. I know He comforted me and He will comfort me some more in the days to come.

What is heaven like?

Karen's Daddy and brother dropped by our home today. Tito Rey mentioned that Karen's lapida will be ready this week. I had been very eager to visit her at the Loyola cemetery. Since the grass plus her tombstone will all be ready by this week, then I guess Sunday next week will be a good time to go to Loyola. That would be Mother's day, incidentally.

This afternoon, while Tito Rey and Kuya Allan were in our house, we were asking one another if anyone of us ever saw Karen in our dreams from the time she passed away. None of us did, except for my husband Joel.

Joel has seen Karen in his dreams, twice already. The first one happened about a couple of days after her burial. Joel dreamed that he was in a church full of children who were getting ready for a mass. There were so many kids, as if there was a "first communion". Karen came in the church accompanied by some more children. She had her hair tied in a neat pony tail and was wearing a bright yellow sleveless dress. Joel tried to call her but she could not hear him. He stood up to follow her but he could not find her anymore.

His second dream of Karen was very short. He was in our house, that looked different from our actual house. Karen arrived in the house, wearing a pink dress. She came up to him and said "Hi Joel!" then she kissed him on the cheek.

They say that loved ones who pass away sometimes appear in dreams as a way of communicating..or I don't know...maybe dropping by to say hello. I am not sure if i believe that or not. What I believe is that Karen is with the Lord. What she is doing in heaven, and how heaven actually is, I don't know and I will never know for sure, not yet at least.

Heaven. Do you think she still remembers everything from heaven? When a person passes away does she carry to heaven all the memories of her lifetime? When I see her again will she still remember all those talks, all the stories we shared? Is she going to remember our love for starbucks and her undying crush for Allan Gil? When I see her in heaven I will probably be old and wrinkled and she will still look 28 with beautiful skin and hair.

I'll will not yet know for now. I pray for the grace of a stronger faith, to find a peaceful state of mind, inspite of not knowing for sure what heaven is.

on losing Karen

I lost my best friend Karen last month. She passed away after battling with lupus for eighteen years. She was 28.

I still sometimes cannot believe that she's gone. My husband and I sometimes recall something about her and we start to talk about her as if she were still alive. Then I'd remember that she is gone forever. And it is just so strange...that she is gone. Gone in its truest sense... never coming back, never to see her again, never to hear her voice, never knowing how she is. It's just so hard to believe sometimes.

It's hard to believe that I will not see her again in this lifetime. It's even painful when I am reminded that I will no longer share a conversation with her. No more talks over two cups of coffee. I try to recall the last time she sat in our kitchen as we had coffee on a Saturday afternoon. I remember she was wearing a blue shirt and had gained weight because of her lupus. She was laughing at the craziness of gaining ten pounds in a week's time. "Kahit buntis hindi tataba ng ganito kabilis", she had said.

Oh Lord, it's unbelievable.

Death is a common thing I hear about and read about. But to lose someone you love so dearly is something else. I am at a loss for words to explain how I feel. It's not sadness. It's emptiness.

I am struggling so hard to go back to my rhythm, to find my positivity again. I yearn to go back to my usual self... the person who always finds the goodness in things, who sees miracles in the very ordinary daily routine. Miracles. That's what I need now . Nothing grand, just enough to help me keep believing everything that I held true: that everything happens for a reason, that God's love is so much more than I can possibly comprehend, that He has beautiful plans for me, that there is life everlasting.

I'd really love to move on.