Dear Karen,

You should be turning 28 on Sunday. Can I still say Happy Birthday? I bet everyday is like birthday in heaven. Are you still 28 in eternity? So how old are you now in heaven-years?

I'll be visiting your grave again on Sunday for your birthday. I'll be there along with your Daddy and Mommy, and the rest of your family of course. I don't know yet about your friends, but they won't be forgetting your birthday that's for sure.

Do you remember your last birthday? Sabi mo, bibili ka ng cake. i asked you why, "bibilan ko ng cake sarili ko. Bakit ba eh birthday ko." you even took a photo of your cake and posted it in your multiply site.

I had a really funny story that happened to Joel and me last week. It was funny and somehow private and I wished to share the story with someone else. But then I only had you to share stories like that with. I'm getting used to not having you around, but sometimes I really still miss you a lot. Sometimes I freeze for a few moments, when you pop in my mind. I remember you, your laughter, the sound of your voice. I remember the happy moments, and the extremely difficult ones. I remember them all. But as time pass I seem to go farther and farther away from feeling you. You know what I mean ..feeling you? That feeling when I'd hear the sound of your footsteps as you walk up the stairs on Saturday afternoons..and I'd know that you've arrived for our regular coffee routine. The feeling of having you laying on our bed as you exchange stories with Tara, or chatting with me as I cook dinner, while you keep going in and out of the house to smoke. I have lost that feeling Karen. And at times when I dream about you, I am brought back to how it feels to have you with me, to have you alive. In my dreams it always feels so real, so true that when I wake up,, for a moment or two I feel the harsh realization again that I can never be with you in this lifetime. I seem to be getting used to that thought. Not that it does not affect me anymore, I am just forced to accept that this is the reality I have to deal with. I am thankful for those dreams though because I get to experience you, even for those fleeting moments. And Karen, I sometimes pray that I don't forget you. I worry that I will get so used to not having you, that in time I will forget you. A lot of your friends say that they won't forget you, that they will always remember you, etc. But seriously, I worry that one day I'll check your friendster and multiply accounts only to find out that nobody viewed them anymore. It's going to happen. I do not want to forget you, but like what I said..as I heal from the hurting, I go farther away from the feeling of you. Which worries me because I feel like all the more you are vanishing. When i do not hurt about your death anymore, when I've gotten so used to not having you around, then you have really gone. And I worry about that. Maybe that's why I document it here. I write it down so I have a way of going back when my fears of forgetting you are realized. Karen I am not helping myself, right?

This letter is crazy because you will not read it. And though I could do this every night and pretend that you are just in a different country and i can send emails to you, I am only fooling myself. It's insane. It's just insane. If you were alive you'd think I'm pathetic. But since you're dead..then that makes me really pathetic. I promise i will not write to you again.

I'll just visit your grave and bring you flowers.